Quantum Immortality: Earth’s Latest Pop Science Obsession

Quantum Immortality is a fringe Earth-based notion that suggests you cannot actually die from your own perspective because, at each moment of potential death, the universe splits into parallel realities, and your consciousness automatically slides into the version where you survived.

This means that from your subjective viewpoint, you are essentially immortal—always finding yourself in the timeline where the gun jammed, the piano missed, or the peanut went down the correct pipe.

It’s a lovely thought, really. Comforting. The sort of thing you’d want to believe while hurtling toward a brick wall at eighty miles per hour.

The only problem is that it’s complete and utter blathersnipe.

What Earth Scientists Think

Earth physicists, having discovered quantum mechanics and promptly misunderstood most of it, latched onto the Many-Worlds Interpretation like a drowning man clutching a inflatable philosophy. They reasoned that if every quantum event creates branching realities, then surely—surely—there must always be a branch where you don’t die.

This theory is particularly popular among:

• Undergraduate physics students at 2 a.m.
• People who have just watched their first science documentary
• Anyone who has recently had a near-death experience and needs to feel special about it
• The whole of TikTok

What The Galactic Science Consortium Actually Knows

The Galactic Science Consortium—a collection of the 42 most advanced scientific civilizations in the galaxy, none of which are on Earth—has spent approximately 4.7 million years studying consciousness, death, and the fundamental structure of reality.

Their findings can be summarized as follows:

1. They don’t know what happens after you die (nobody does, and anyone who claims otherwise is selling something)
2. They are absolutely certain that parallel realities, as Earth scientists imagine them, are weapons-grade flimbosh

Flimbosh (n.): A Betelgeusean term meaning “hogwash, but with more mathematical equations to make it look respectable.”

Why Parallel Realities Are Flimbosh

The Consortium’s objections are numerous, but here are the highlights:

The Energy Problem: Creating an entire universe every time an electron sneezes would require more energy than exists. Where’s it coming from? Earth physicists wave their hands and mumble about “the quantum vacuum.” The Consortium waves back and mumbles about “basic accounting.”

The Consciousness Problem: Why would your consciousness preferentially slide into survival timelines? What mechanism could possibly care about your continued existence? The universe is not your mother, and it certainly doesn’t have favorites.

The Absurdity Problem: If quantum immortality were true, the oldest person in any timeline would be approximately 13.8 billion years old and would have experienced every possible near-death experience in the universe. No such person has ever been found, despite the Consortium checking quite thoroughly.

A Note for Earth Readers

If you’re reading this and feeling disappointed that you’re not actually immortal through quantum trickery, the Consortium offers this consolation: you’ve got the life you have right now, in this timeline, and that’s rather remarkable enough without needing infinite backup copies.

Also, they’d like to remind you that even if parallel realities existed, there would be a timeline where you’re reading this entry and simultaneously being eaten by a tiger. So perhaps it’s best not to think about it too hard.

Practical Applications

None whatsoever, unless you count “giving physics students false hope” as practical.

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