What is Black Friday and is it Still a Big Deal?

Black Friday is a term that, in most civilized sectors of the galaxy, would denote a catastrophic event involving a collapsed star, a plague of necrotic moss, or perhaps a particularly grim afternoon at the Department of Motor Vehicles. On Earth, however, it refers to a curious annual festival dedicated to the acquisition of flat-screen televisions and discounted air fryers.

It occurs immediately following Thanksgiving, a holiday where Earthlings express gratitude for what they have, by immediately going out to trample one another to get what they do not have.

What’s in a name?

Black Friday is so named due to a peculiar Earthen bookkeeping method wherein income that has not turned a profit is written in red and actual profitable numbers are written in black. On Black Friday the majority of businesses on earth move from being in the red to being in the black, largely due to the products being sold being made available at something approaching their actual value instead of the inflated prices that make shareholders jump for joy.

A Galactic Anomaly of Economics

To the interstellar traveler, the economic theory behind Black Friday is entirely baffling. In the wider universe, commerce generally falls into two distinct categories:

1. The Rational Model: Practiced by the silicon-based merchants of the Nebula of Glib, where an item is sold for exactly what it is worth, based on the cost of materials, labor, and the existential dread required to manufacture it.
2. The Predatory Model: Practiced by the parasitic trade-lords of Vexxon IV, where all items are sold at 4,000% markup at all times, simply because the Vexxonians enjoy watching tourists weep.

Earth is unique in that it attempts to combine these philosophies into a psychological weapon. Earth merchants spend 364 days a year pretending an item is worth significantly more than it is, only to lower the price to its actual value for 24 hours, causing the local population to lose their collective minds. It is the only planet in the Milky Way where “saving money” involves spending vast amounts of it on things you didn’t know existed until a red sticker told you they were essential for your survival.

The Decline of the Gladiatorial Era

Historically, Black Friday was a spectator sport ranking somewhere between zero-gravity wrestling and running from a hungry Bugblatter Beast. It involved millions of humans waking up at an hour usually reserved for nocturnal predators, standing in freezing temperatures outside “Big Box” stores, and then physically assaulting their neighbors to obtain a toaster oven that was $4 cheaper than usual.

For the alien anthropologist, this was a goldmine of behavioral data. It displayed the human capacity for aggression, endurance, and poor impulse control in one convenient location.

However, the Guide notes with a tinge of disappointment that this tradition is fading. Due to the advent of “Online Shopping”—a process where humans stare at glowing rectangles until their credit rating evaporates—the physical stampede has largely vanished.

The modern Black Friday is no longer a visceral battle for survival in the aisles of a Walmart. Instead, it is a silent, sedentary event. Humans now sit in their undergarments, nursing indigestion from the previous day’s bird-consumption, and frantically click buttons before a digital inventory counter reaches zero.

While this has significantly reduced the number of toaster-related concussions, it has also stripped the event of its raw, primal majesty. Now, the only thing being trampled is the Earthling’s dopamine receptors and the delivery driver’s will to live.

Conclusion

If you find yourself on Earth during Black Friday, do not be alarmed by the barrage of emails screaming about “DOORBUSTERS.” No actual doors are being busted. It is merely a metaphor for the breaking of your spirit. The Guide suggests you stay indoors, wrap a towel around your head, and wait for Saturday, when the prices return to their normal, comforting levels of dishonesty.