The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Understanding Republicans

Republicans: The other half of The United States’ two-party political system, distinguished by their affection for the color red, an elephant mascot that suggests they never forget (though their memory appears highly selective), and a philosophical commitment to the idea that the best government is one that doesn’t govern, which raises the question of why they’re so keen to be in charge of it.

The Republican Party operates on a fascinating paradox: they campaign on the principle that government is incompetent and wasteful, then get elected and prove it.

Origins and Natural History

Republicans evolved from something called “conservatives,” which on Earth doesn’t mean “people who want to conserve things” but rather “people who want things to be the way they remember them being, even if they never actually were that way.” Their symbol is an elephant, chosen either for its memory or its tendency to react dramatically when startled by small things, like universal healthcare or the concept of renewable energy.

Habitat and Distribution

Republicans thrive in rural areas, suburbs with good school districts (which they insist aren’t funded well enough while simultaneously voting against funding them), megachurches, and anywhere you can drive for twenty minutes without seeing another human. They gather in places called “diners,” “town halls,” and “comment sections,” where they discuss important matters like freedom, liberty, and why both are under constant attack from people who want everyone to have healthcare.

Core Beliefs

The Republican worldview can be summarized thusly:

• The free market solves everything (except when it doesn’t, then it’s the government’s fault)
• Personal responsibility is paramount (except for corporations, which need protection)
• Government should stay out of people’s lives (especially their bedrooms, which is why they legislate extensively about bedrooms)
• Tradition is sacred (traditions from the 1950s specifically; anything before that gets complicated)

Communication Methods

Republicans communicate through:

• Saying “Let me be clear” before being anything but
• References to “the Founders,” who apparently had opinions on everything including technologies invented 200 years after their deaths
• The phrase “common sense,” which means “my opinion”
• Concern about “freedom,” especially the freedom to not do things that might help other people
• Lengthy explanations of what the Constitution means, despite not having read it since high school, if then

Relationship with Democrats

Republicans exist in eternal opposition to Democrats (see separate entry), whom they regard as dangerous radicals bent on destroying Earth’s American sector through diabolical schemes like “public transportation” and “acknowledging climate data.”

The two groups agree on virtually nothing, except that the other group is wrong, and that they themselves represent the “real” Earth humans—a claim that suggests either mass hallucination or a very poor understanding of statistics.

Peculiar Behaviors

• Will rail against government spending while demanding their district gets more of it
• Believe in small government, except for the military, which should be enormous
• Oppose “cancel culture” while attempting to cancel things they dislike
• Claim to love the Constitution while having strong opinions about which parts should be ignored
• Deeply suspicious of experts, except when the expert agrees with them

Economic Philosophy

Republicans subscribe to an economic theory that can be summarized as: “If we give money to rich people, they’ll create jobs. If we give money to poor people, they’ll become lazy.” This theory has been tested extensively with mixed results, by which we mean it doesn’t work, but they remain optimistic.

They believe in something called “trickle-down economics,” based on the principle that if you feed a horse enough oats, eventually some will pass through to feed the sparrows. The sparrows have been waiting since the 1980s and are getting quite peckish.

Survival Tactics

Republicans have mastered the art of:

• Blaming problems on the previous administration (even when they were the previous administration)
• Claiming victimhood while holding power
• Redefining words until they mean their opposite
• Expressing deep concern about deficits only when the other party is spending money

Conservation Status

Abundant and vocal. Current population trends show concentration in specific geographic regions, leading xenobiologists to wonder if they’re evolving into a separate subspecies, though they insist they’re the original species and everyone else evolved away from them.

Warning to Visitors

Republicans are generally hospitable to off-world visitors, provided you:

• Don’t mention climate change
• Agree that their country is the best on the planet (even though you’re literally from space)
• Don’t ask why they need so many guns
• Pretend to understand American football

If cornered by a Republican during election season, simply say “I’m not political” and change the subject to weather (but not climate).