Smartphones: The Tiny Anxiety Generators That Conquered Earth

The smartphone is a small rectangular device that Earth humans carry with them at all times, clutching it with the sort of desperate affection usually reserved for security blankets or the last chocolate biscuit in the packet.

Despite the name, smartphones are not actually intelligent. They are, however, considerably smarter than many of the beings who use them, which tells you rather a lot about Earth.

Basic Function

The smartphone’s primary purpose is ostensibly “communication,” though studies show that 87% of its usage involves looking at pictures of other people’s lunches, watching videos of cats falling off furniture, and engaging in heated arguments with complete strangers about topics neither party understands.

The device can theoretically make telephone calls, though this feature is so rarely used that most humans under the age of 30 experience mild panic attacks when their smartphone makes the ancient “ringing” sound.

Cultural Significance

Humans have developed an extraordinary symbiotic relationship with their smartphones, checking them an average of 96 times per day—or roughly once every ten minutes during waking hours. This behavior persists even when nothing new could possibly have happened since the last check, which was approximately 47 seconds ago.

The smartphone has effectively replaced several previously essential items:

• Maps (now nobody knows where they are)
• Alarm clocks (now nobody can wake up if their phone isn’t charged)
• Cameras (now everyone is a photographer, though evidence suggests otherwise)
• Human memory (now nobody can remember their own phone number)

Social Etiquette

A curious Earth custom involves groups of humans sitting together in restaurants, each staring silently at their individual smartphones rather than speaking to one another. This is considered perfectly normal. Actually attempting conversation is viewed as “a bit weird.”

Warning to Travelers

If you visit Earth and fail to stare at a small glowing rectangle for at least 40% of your waking hours, locals will assume you are either:

1. Amish
2. A time traveler from the past
3. “Going through something”

None of these assumptions will work in your favor. We highly recommend purchasing the Abridged Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy Ultimate Lite, which looks very similar to an Earth iPhone — of course, we are also bias.

Technical Specifications

Smartphones operate on a simple principle: they work perfectly until the moment you need them most urgently, at which point the battery dies, the signal vanishes, or the device decides it needs to install 47 updates immediately.

The average smartphone contains more computing power than the systems that sent humans to their moon. Humans primarily use this extraordinary technology to make their faces look like cartoon dogs.

Editor’s Note: The smartphone’s most remarkable feature is its ability to make humans feel simultaneously connected to everyone and isolated from everything. This is either profound irony or simply very poor product design. Possibly both. In terms of galactic electronic devices we rate it two out of 2 billion stars. In terms of galactic communications devices, we give it the ranking of black hole since it only communicates successfully half the time on one planet.