The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Slack

Slack is a communication platform that Earth inhabitants use to send messages to each other while sitting in the same building. It was invented by humans who apparently found the revolutionary concept of “talking to someone” to be insufficiently complicated.

The application functions as a sort of digital nervous system for organizations, except that instead of transmitting vital information about survival, it mostly transmits photographs of people’s lunch, passive-aggressive reminders about meetings, and the phrase “per my last email” written in increasingly hostile fonts.

How It Works

Slack operates on a deceptively simple principle: humans type words into a computer, and those words appear on other computers. This innovation was considered so groundbreaking that the company’s valuation briefly exceeded that of several small nations, which tells you something important about Earth’s economic system (specifically, that it may not be working as intended).

The platform organizes conversations into “channels,” which is a polite way of saying “places where your boss can see everything you write.” Users can also send “direct messages,” which is a polite way of saying “places where your boss can’t see everything you write, unless they pay Slack a boatload of money.”

Notable Features

Slack includes a search function that allows users to find messages they sent three years ago, thereby providing a permanent record of every regrettable thought they’ve ever typed. This is considered a feature rather than a bug, which again tells you something about Earth’s approach to technology.

The platform also includes “reactions”—small emoji that users can attach to messages instead of actually responding. This has proven remarkably effective at making humans feel heard while requiring absolutely no effort whatsoever.

The Slack Paradox

Slack was designed to increase productivity. Instead, it has created a situation where humans spend their entire day responding to messages about why they haven’t responded to messages. The average Earth worker now spends approximately 40% of their workday managing Slack notifications, which is 40% more than they spend actually doing their job.

This has led to a curious phenomenon: the more Slack a company uses, the less work gets done, yet the more important everyone feels. It’s rather like installing a very expensive engine in your vehicle that makes a lot of noise but prevents you from actually driving anywhere.

Cultural Impact

Slack has fundamentally altered human workplace culture. Meetings that once took thirty minutes now take three hours because they must be scheduled through Slack, discussed in Slack, rescheduled in Slack, and then followed up with a Slack message saying “great meeting, everyone!” despite the fact that nothing was decided.

The phrase “I’ll Slack you” has entered Earth vocabulary, which is remarkable considering that “I’ll email you” was already a perfectly functional way to avoid having a conversation.

Slack represents humanity’s ongoing commitment to solving problems by creating more complicated problems. It is simultaneously indispensable and utterly pointless—much like Earth itself, really.