Humans: Always Approach Them With Confidence

Humans (Homo sapiens) are the dominant species of the planet Earth, a distinction they awarded themselves after developing opposable thumbs and the capacity for abstract thought, though not necessarily in that order.

Humans rarely refer to their own species as humans, instead preferring the term “people” which they pronounce “pee-pull.”

Physically, humans are bipedal carbon-based life forms who spend approximately one-third of their existence unconscious, another third wishing they were unconscious, and the final third trying to convince other humans that they know what they’re doing. They are mostly water, which explains why they cry at weddings, funerals, and particularly moving advertisements for telecommunications services.

The species exhibits a peculiar evolutionary trait: despite possessing brains capable of splitting atoms and composing symphonies, they will routinely walk into a room and completely forget why they went there. This has led xenobiologists to theorize that human intelligence operates on a “use it or lose it immediately” basis.

Humans are notable for being the only known species to invent both the sandwich and nuclear weapons, often displaying equal enthusiasm for both. They have an inexplicable fondness for keeping other species as “pets”— a relationship in which the human provides food and shelter while the pet provides nothing except judgment and occasional affection, which the human finds deeply fulfilling.

Communication among humans is achieved through thousands of different languages, none of which prevent them from completely misunderstanding each other. They have also developed “social media,” a technology that allows them to misunderstand each other much faster and with greater conviction.

The species is currently in what they call the “modern era,” characterized by having more computing power in their pockets than was used to land on their own moon, which they primarily use to look at pictures of cats and argue with strangers.

Survival tip: If encountering humans, appear confident. They respond well to confidence, even if it’s completely unwarranted. In fact, especially if it’s completely unwarranted.