What is Social Media?

Social Media refers to the Earth practice of voluntarily installing applications on personal communication devices that allow humans to share information about themselves with other humans, most of whom they wouldn’t lend money to.

The technology works by converting human experiences into small packets of text, images, or video, which are then distributed across vast networks of computers. These packets typically document:

• Meals (photographed from directly above)
• Opinions (formed approximately 30 seconds earlier)
• Photographs of the human themselves (taken from 47 different angles until one proves acceptable)
• Arguments about topics the human knew nothing about until that morning

What distinguishes social media from previous communication methods is its remarkable efficiency at generating what humans call “engagement.” This is measured in “likes,” “shares,” and “comments” – a numerical system that humans have somehow allowed to influence their emotional state, career prospects, and sense of self-worth.

The platforms are operated by large corporations who provide the service free of charge, which should immediately alert any intelligent species that something else is being exchanged. In this case, it’s detailed information about human behavior, which is then sold to advertisers who use it to convince humans they need products they don’t want.

Despite widespread acknowledgment that social media makes them anxious, distracted, and vaguely miserable, humans continue using it with the explanation that they “need to stay connected.” When pressed on what exactly they’re staying connected to, answers become notably vague.

The Guide notes that humans had previously managed to stay connected through methods like “talking” and “visiting,” but apparently these were insufficient.