The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Canada

Canada is a large, forested country located immediately north of the United States—though, by temperament, it feels slightly northwest of reality. It is the world’s second-largest nation by land area, a fact Canadians bring up often, possibly to distract from the fact that 90% of them live huddled within polite shouting distance of the U.S. border, where it’s marginally less frozen.

The country was discovered several times: first by the Indigenous peoples, then by the French, and finally by the British, who promptly apologized for it. This pattern of discovery, conquest, and contrition established the national character: kind, orderly, and permanently unsure whether it should be proud or sorry about anything.

The National Identity Crisis

Canada’s culture is defined primarily by the absence of extremes. It is not particularly loud, violent, or tropical. Its national symbol is a leaf. Its national pastime is watching ice melt while shouting politely about it. Canadians are renowned for saying “sorry,” often when they’ve done nothing wrong. In Canada, collisions on the sidewalk are resolved through a ritualized exchange of apologies that can continue until both parties freeze to death, which is considered a dignified outcome.

The country’s economy is powered by lumber, oil, and an astonishing global monopoly on actors pretending to be American. Its exports include comedians, pop stars, and universal healthcare envy. Meanwhile, its imports consist mostly of American television and confused moose.

Climate and Wildlife

Canada experiences what meteorologists describe as “seasons,” though to outsiders these appear to be various shades of winter. The brief summer—known locally as “Construction Season”—is spent frantically repairing roads before they re-freeze. The national bird is the mosquito, and the national mammal is the bear, which Canadians coexist with through a delicate arrangement of mutual respect and garbage management.

The northern regions are home to the polar bear, a creature that could kill you instantly but rarely does because it’s too busy wondering why you came there.

Government and Language

Canada operates under a constitutional monarchy, meaning it is ruled simultaneously by its own Prime Minister and someone’s grandfather in England. It is officially bilingual— English and French share equal status, which ensures that every government sign takes twice as long to read and costs twice as much to print.

Canadians are united in their mild exasperation at Quebec, a province that occasionally threatens to leave the country but never does, perhaps because that would require filling out additional paperwork.

Galactic Perspective

In the wider galaxy, Canada is regarded as the universe’s “quiet upstairs neighbor.” Galactic species often send ambassadors there to recover from diplomatic stress, as Canada is the only known planet-based nation where no one has ever declared war without first saying “pardon me.” The Andromedan Consortium once proposed modeling interplanetary relations on Canadian manners, but the plan failed when no one could agree whose turn it was to go first.

Final Observations

Canada, in sum, is a vast, frozen utopia powered by decency, caffeine, and the desperate need to not be mistaken for America. It is proof that a nation can survive and even thrive on politeness, maple syrup, and an unwavering belief that things could always be worse—but probably aren’t, eh?

(Editor’s Note: Statistically, the chance of a Canadian denying any of this is 100%, but they’ll do it with a smile and ask if you’d like some poutine.)