Everything You Need to Know About Dogs

Dogs (Canis familiaris) are a peculiar example of what happens when an apex predator decides that hanging around the campfire and looking pathetic is a more efficient survival strategy than actually hunting for a living.

Approximately 15,000 Earth years ago—though some scientists argue for 40,000, because humans can never agree on anything, including their own history—wolves began the extraordinary evolutionary journey from “terrifying pack hunter that might eat you” to “will wear a knitted jumper and answer to the name Mr. Snuffles.”

This process, which Earth scientists call “domestication,” was less a deliberate human achievement and more a case of certain wolves realizing that humans were essentially walking food-disposal units who dropped scraps everywhere. The wolves who were slightly less murderous and slightly more tolerant of bipedal apes gradually became dogs, while their more dignified cousins remained wolves and presumably still laugh about it during full moons.

Comparative Domestication Studies

The dog domestication is considered remarkably successful by galactic standards. For comparison:

• The Zypharians of Kepler-442b domesticated the Floating Screech-Newt, which serves as both a pet and an alarm system, though it cannot distinguish between intruders and falling leaves. Most Zypharians are consequently deaf by age 30.

• On Proxima Centauri c, the indigenous Proximans attempted to domesticate the Six-Legged Spite-Hound, a creature whose only evolutionary purpose appears to be ruining furniture and relationships. The project was abandoned after the Spite-Hounds unionized and demanded dental coverage.

• The Crystalline Entities of Wolf 1061c briefly attempted to domesticate time itself, which resulted in last Tuesday happening three times and is now forbidden under the Temporal Decency Act of 2847.

Current Status

Modern dogs come in approximately 340 recognized breeds, ranging from animals the size of a large rat to animals the size of a small horse. Remarkably, they are all the same species, which suggests that humans have been playing a very strange game of biological Lego for several millennia.

Dogs are now employed in various roles including: companionship, security, herding, rescue operations, and—most importantly—converting expensive furniture into expensive sawdust.

Warning to Visitors: Dogs will attempt to befriend you regardless of your species, number of limbs, or personal feelings about the matter. Resistance is futile. You will throw the ball.