The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Understanding Democrats

Democrats: One of two dominant tribal factions in the North American territory known as the United States, easily identified by their fondness for the color blue, their inexplicable ability to form circular firing squads, and their touching belief that if they just explain their position one more time, surely everyone will understand.

The Democratic Party, despite its name, operates less like a democracy and more like a committee tasked with ordering pizza for 300 people with different dietary requirements, philosophical objections to cheese, and at least seventeen competing theories about what constitutes “pizza.”

Origins and Behavior

Democrats trace their lineage to something called a “donkey,” which is either their mascot or a commentary on their decision-making process—xenobiologists remain divided on this point. They generally advocate for concepts such as “helping people,” “science,” and “not letting the planet become uninhabitable,” though they pursue these goals with all the focused efficiency of a three-legged cat chasing a laser pointer.

Natural Habitat

Democrats congregate in coastal regions, university towns, and coffee shops that serve beverages with more than four words in their names. They can often be spotted carrying reusable shopping bags, wearing glasses they don’t strictly need, and engaging in their favorite pastime: disagreeing with other Democrats about the best way to implement things they all actually want.

Communication Patterns

The species communicates primarily through:

• Strongly worded tweets
• Fact-checking
• Saying “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed”
• Creating subcommittees
• Explaining why their position is actually very nuanced if you’d just let them finish

Relationship with Republicans

Democrats exist in a binary system with their natural rivals, the Republicans. The two groups spend most of their time disagreeing about how to solve problems, whether the problems exist, and whether they should be solving problems at all or just letting the free market handle it.

Fascinatingly, both groups claim to represent “real” Earth humans, suggesting that a significant portion of the population must be holograms or very convincing robots.

Survival Strategy

Democrats have evolved a peculiar survival mechanism: whenever they achieve power, they immediately begin debating whether they deserve it and apologizing for having it. This is roughly equivalent to a predator catching prey and then organizing a symposium on whether eating is morally justified.

Notable Characteristics

• Will bring a policy paper to a propaganda fight
• Believe in climate change but still schedule their conventions in July in places like Houston
• Can turn any victory into a moral quandary
• Possess an almost supernatural ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory

Conservation Status

Currently abundant but perpetually anxious about their numbers. Researchers note that Democrats spend approximately 73% of their energy worrying about what Republicans think of them, 15% arguing with each other, and 12% actually governing.

Travel Advisory

If visiting Earth during an election cycle, Democrats are generally harmless to tourists, though they may attempt to register you to vote or explain their healthcare plan. Simply nod politely and back away slowly. Whatever you do, do not ask them about their primary process—you’ll be there for hours.