Coffee: How Humans Turn Exhaustion Into Productivity

Coffee is a dark, bitter liquid that humans consume in vast quantities, primarily to convince their bodies that they are not, in fact, as exhausted as they demonstrably are.

The beverage is produced through an unnecessarily complicated process involving the roasted seeds of certain plants from the genus Coffea. These seeds—which humans insist on calling “beans” despite being nothing of the sort—are ground into powder, mixed with hot water, and filtered. The resulting liquid tastes rather like someone dissolved a burnt log in muddy water, which is why humans typically add copious amounts of sugar, milk, or flavored syrups until it bears no resemblance to its original form.

Should you ever encounter a human who enjoys the taste of pure black coffee, you should run as this is the chief symptom used by psychologists to diagnose a psychopath.

The active ingredient is a stimulant called caffeine, which temporarily masks the symptoms of sleep deprivation without actually addressing the underlying problem—a solution so perfectly human in its logic that it has become the foundation of their entire economic system.

Comparative Galactic Stimulants

Coffee occupies a similar niche to several other substances found throughout the galaxy:

• The Betelgeuseans prefer Zzzap, a crystalline compound that one simply thinks about very hard. The downside is that thinking about not being tired makes one think about being tired, which rather defeats the purpose.

• Citizens of the Vortex Nebula Confederacy inhale the spores of the Wakeus fungus, which keeps them alert for seventy-two hours straight, followed by a three-week coma. Their economy operates on a very unusual schedule.

• The Silastic Armorfiends of Striterax require no stimulants, as they are perpetually furious, which serves much the same function.

Humans, characteristically, have built approximately 1.5 million specialized retail establishments dedicated solely to selling coffee in slightly different variations, each costing roughly the same as a decent meal. This has led xenoanthropologists to conclude that humans don’t actually like coffee—they simply enjoy having something to complain about when it’s prepared incorrectly.