Megadodo Publications, one of the great publishing companies of Ursa Minor, is pleased to announce this heavily abridged and condensed new effort The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Earth in a form suitable for the people of Earth. There are of course parts removed as the Earthlings believe themselves to be alone and at the center of the universe, and if they really knew what was going on around them, they would immediately have brain aneurisms and fall into a coma en masse. The guide has also been condensed to fit the human attention span which is — as far as we know — the shortest in the galaxy next to the Meenvil Cricket of Lumbarge, which of course has infested its own overpopulated planet to the point of ruin due to the fact that it cannot remember when it last mated and therefore mates about every 21 seconds.
The Guide, in case you are not familiar, is a repository of all the knowledge in the Galaxy — and possibly even the Universe. It has taken many millennia to develop and profit off of an Earth edition due to the less-evolved state of the humanoids that inhabit and control this strange blue orb on the outskirts of the Milky Way. Also, the planet was still using physical volumes they made from trees up until a few short years ago when they finally discovered efficient ways to store data. One copy of this guide prior to that would have exhausted the planet’s entire supply of trees, which Megadodo Publications realized a few million years ago was not a proper way to do business as it leaves some planets utterly barren but with a book for the last inhabitants to thumb through as they take their last, tortured breaths.
However, we have finally brought to you this heavily abridged and condensed version of the guide in a format that is understandable to the average Earth man. Thus, the entries will be short — as most earthlings gave up on reading many decades ago — and will contain clickbait-y titles and articles mixed with superfluous trivia and gossip to hold the Earth man and woman’s attention.
This edition of The Guide may feel a bit rushed, and it is. While we were going to wait another 200 earth-years to publish this edition, but decided there is a fairly decent chance that the inhabitants of earth will not exist past 2031, and if we would like to profit off of them, there’s no better day than the last days.
By way of a disclaimer, should you find anything in this guide that you disagree with or in fact know to be false, please do remember the golden rule first laid out in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, “The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.”
In case you haven’t figured it out, this website is an homage of sorts to the work of Douglas Adams, who first conceived of a Hitchhiker’s Guide in his creation of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
While this guide is somewhat informative, it is satirical in nature. You will find truth about the topics covered here, but you will have to wade through a rather large amount of satirical hogwash to get to it. Such, of course, is life, the universe and everything.