Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Martin Luther

Martin Luther (1483-1546) was a German monk who became spectacularly fed up with his employer’s business practices and decided to express his concerns in the most reasonable way available to a 16th-century religious professional: by hammering a very long list of complaints to a church door for everyone to read.

This list, known as the “95 Theses,” was essentially the medieval equivalent of posting a thread on social media, except it was printed on actual paper, required actual hammering, and couldn’t be deleted later when things got out of hand. Which they absolutely did.

The church Luther was complaining about—the Roman Catholic Church—had been running what might charitably be called a “premium salvation service.” For a reasonable fee, customers could purchase indulgences, which were essentially gift certificates promising reduced time in Purgatory. Luther felt this business model had certain theological shortcomings, not least of which was that it seemed to suggest that the Supreme Being accepted credit transactions.

What started as an academic debate about ecclesiastical marketing strategies rapidly escalated into what historians would later call the Protestant Reformation, though “The Great European Religious Franchise Split” would have been more accurate. Luther’s central thesis—that faith alone, not cash payments, was sufficient for salvation—proved remarkably popular, particularly among people who preferred to keep their money and people who didn’t have any money to speak of but still wanted to get into Heaven.

The Catholic Church, naturally, took exception to Luther’s complaints. They tried the usual methods of discouragement: excommunication, declaring him a heretic, and attempting to have him arrested. Luther responded by translating the Bible into German, marrying a former nun, and writing pamphlets with titles that suggested he had not quite mastered the art of polite disagreement.

Luther’s legacy on Earth includes:

1. The Protestant branch of Christianity, which itself would later split into roughly 47,000 denominations, suggesting that humans are very good at disagreeing about disagreements
2. The concept that individuals could interpret religious texts themselves, rather than relying on institutional authorities (a radical notion that would later be applied to furniture assembly instructions with mixed results)
3. Various Lutheran churches, primarily found in Germany, Scandinavia, and inexplicably, Minnesota

It should be noted that Luther had some spectacularly terrible opinions about various groups of people, which even by the rather lax standards of 16th-century Europe were considered problematic. The Guide’s editors recommend focusing on his contributions to religious reform and literacy while firmly ignoring approximately 30% of everything else he wrote.

Warning to Travelers: If you visit Earth during the 16th century, avoid mentioning indulgences at dinner parties. The resulting arguments can last for decades and may involve actual warfare.