What The Universe is Telling Us About Greed

Greed is what happens when a human’s “want” gland becomes catastrophically detached from their “need” gland, resulting in a condition where they desire seventeen yachts despite having only one bottom to sit on at any given time.

The affliction is characterized by an insatiable hunger for more—more money, more possessions, more square footage, more of whatever the neighbors have—coupled with a complete inability to remember what “more” was supposed to be for in the first place. Scientists have theorized that greed is what you get when evolution accidentally installs a “gather resources for winter” subroutine but forgets to include an “off” switch, leaving humans frantically hoarding things in preparation for a winter that will never come, or at least not in a way that can be solved by owning three hundred pairs of shoes.

What’s particularly remarkable about greed is that it makes humans profoundly unhappy while simultaneously convincing them that just a little bit more will definitely make them happy this time. This is roughly equivalent to repeatedly hitting yourself in the face with a hammer because you’re convinced that the next hit will feel great. It never does, but humans are nothing if not optimistic.

The condition has produced some of history’s most spectacular failures of imagination. Humans have been known to accumulate enough wealth to end poverty in entire nations, then use it to build slightly larger houses or purchase sports teams, apparently having run out of ideas somewhere between “buy third mansion” and “solve malaria.”

GALACTIC COMPARATIVE PATHOLOGY:

Greed appears throughout the universe with depressing regularity, though most species have the good sense to grow out of it before it becomes terminal.

The Gluttonoids of Vurp went through a greed phase so severe that they began hoarding gravity itself. This went poorly. Their planet now has seventeen times standard gravity in some areas and negative gravity in others, creating neighborhoods where the wealthy are literally above everyone else and the poor are stuck to the ceiling. They consider this an improvement over their previous system, which tells you everything you need to know about the Gluttonoids.

The Infinite Acquisition Collective of Grabworld-9 took greed to its logical extreme by attempting to own everything in the universe. They got as far as purchasing three solar systems and a small nebula before realizing that owning things requires maintaining things, at which point their civilization collapsed under the weight of its own property taxes. The survivors now live as minimalist monks, having learned that possessions possess you right back, only with more paperwork.

On Moderation Prime, greed is treated as a parasitic infection. Citizens displaying symptoms—such as using the phrase “passive income” unironically or purchasing their fourth vacation home—are quarantined and shown documentaries about people who are happy with reasonable amounts of things. The treatment has a 60% success rate, though the other 40% usually escape and become management consultants.

The Contentment Collective of Satiation-7 evolved without any capacity for greed whatsoever, which sounds wonderful until you learn that they also evolved without ambition, curiosity, or the desire to get out of bed before noon. They’ve achieved perfect inner peace and absolutely nothing else. Their tourism slogan is “Visit Satiation-7: It’s Fine, Whatever.”

Most instructive is the tale of Kroesus the Accumulator, a being from Avarice-12 who became so greedy he began hoarding time itself, storing minutes and hours in vast warehouses. He died at age forty-three with enough stored time to live for six thousand years, having been too busy accumulating time to actually use any of it. His tombstone reads “I’ll get to living eventually,” which is either ironic or just sad, depending on your philosophical orientation.

Earth has managed to build entire economic systems around greed, which is rather like building a healthcare system around disease—technically functional, but you do have to wonder if there wasn’t a better starting point.

Humans have even invented a special category of greed called “wealth accumulation,” which is greed in a tuxedo. The principle is simple: if you’re poor and you want more, you’re greedy; if you’re rich and you want more, you’re a “high achiever.” This linguistic gymnastics allows humans to condemn greed while practicing it with enthusiasm, much like how they condemn gluttony while inventing the all-you-can-eat buffet.

The planet’s most successful practitioners of greed have accumulated resources equivalent to the GDP of small nations, which they use primarily to accumulate more resources. When asked why they need more money than they could spend in a hundred lifetimes, they typically respond with something about “creating value” or “building legacy,” which is human for “I don’t know, but I can’t stop now.”

What’s particularly tragic is that humans have actually studied greed scientifically and discovered that beyond a certain point—roughly the point where you can afford food, shelter, and the occasional nice dinner—additional wealth contributes almost nothing to happiness. The human response to this finding has been to completely ignore it and continue pursuing wealth anyway, on the grounds that perhaps the scientists measured wrong, or maybe they just haven’t tried being really rich yet.

The condition has produced some genuinely baffling behavior. Humans have been observed working themselves into early graves to accumulate money they’ll never spend, neglecting relationships to pursue promotions they don’t want, and destroying their planet’s ecosystem to extract resources they don’t need. When asked why, they typically mumble something about “security” or “success,” then return to checking their investment portfolios with the haunted look of someone who knows they’re trapped but can’t remember how they got there.

Medical Note: Greed is highly contagious. Symptoms include: checking property values in neighborhoods you can’t afford, feeling inadequate about your perfectly functional possessions, and using the phrase “net worth” in casual conversation. If you experience any of these symptoms after visiting Earth, seek immediate treatment, preferably on a planet where people have figured out that “enough” is a real number.

Survival Tip: If a greedy human asks you how much money you make, the correct response is “enough,” followed by changing the subject or fleeing. Do not engage further. They’re not actually interested in your answer; they’re trying to determine their position in the dominance hierarchy, like wolves but with worse dental plans.

Final Warning: The most dangerous thing about greed is that it’s self-justifying. Every acquisition proves you were right to want it, and every want unfulfilled proves you need to acquire more. It’s a perfect logical loop, like a snake eating its own tail, except the snake is wearing a Rolex and the tail is made of credit card debt.