Everything You Need to Know About Cats

Cats are small, fur-coated lifeforms that appear to be both domesticated and entirely feral at the same time. Earthlings insist on keeping them in their homes despite the fact that cats neither contribute to rent, nor food preparation, nor even the maintenance of Earth’s baffling social contract known as “politeness.” What they do contribute is a kind of aloof companionship that Earthlings find irresistibly endearing, rather like living with a flatmate who ignores you completely but occasionally allows you to rub their ears.

Physically, cats come equipped with retractable claws, sharp teeth, and an internal purr engine that operates on mysterious principles unknown even to the finest physicists (or veterinarians, who are simply physicists who specialize in fur). Their eyes are designed to see in the dark, which is helpful because cats insist on becoming hyperactive around three o’clock in the morning. This is known locally as “the zoomies,” though from an intergalactic perspective it seems more like a sudden and unprovoked attempt at interdimensional travel.

Cats have consistently attempted to convince humans that they are predators, despite the overwhelming evidence that their most frequent prey is small pieces of string. In fact, the majority of their diet on Earth comes pre-packaged and hand-delivered by humans who have been thoroughly brainwashed into servitude. When not eating or sleeping (the latter of which they do for approximately 23.7 hours per Earth day), cats can be found sitting on objects they have no practical reason to sit on, such as freshly folded laundry, important paperwork, or the exact spot on the sofa a human had just vacated.

Culturally, cats occupy a paradoxical position: they are both worshipped as divine beings (a status dating back thousands of years in Egypt and recently revived on the Internet) and scorned for their habit of coughing up small tubes of hair at the least convenient times. Humans often record cats performing mundane acts—such as falling off shelves, chasing red dots of light, or staring into existential voids—and share these recordings endlessly, claiming them to be “funny.” The Guide has not determined whether this is genuine amusement or an elaborate coping mechanism.

Important Note for Travelers:
Do not attempt to win a staring contest with a cat. They will always win. Do not attempt to train a cat. They will always train you. And under no circumstances should you allow a cat to know that you require its affection—this is the surest way to ensure you will never, ever receive it.

In summary: cats are Earth’s most successful freeloaders, living monuments to the art of doing absolutely nothing and being adored for it.